Co-Parenting Communication: Turn a Tense Message into a Calm Reply
Paste a tense message from your co-parent and draft your reply. Live checks show when it's brief, informative, friendly and firm, and a tone meter flags words that could reignite the fight.
If there is domestic violence, threats or a protective order, do not use this to negotiate alone: keep messages as evidence and talk to a lawyer or an advocate (US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788; elsewhere, your local domestic abuse service).
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Follow any court order about how you communicate.
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How to play- Paste their message (an example is filled in).
- Type your reply. Watch the four checks and the tone meter.
- Fix anything highlighted. Add a ready-made phrase if it helps.
- Tap Done for a clean copy. Wait a few minutes before sending.
About the technique
About the techniqueThe BIFF® response method, developed by Bill Eddy at the High Conflict Institute, gives people a structure for answering hostile written messages: brief, informative, friendly and firm (Eddy, 2011). Instead of defending against every accusation, the writer shares only the facts the other person needs, adds a short courteous line, and closes the topic. The method is written for separated parents, mediators and family lawyers, where texts and emails may later be read by a judge. This tool is independent and is not affiliated with or endorsed by the High Conflict Institute.
The aim is to give a high-conflict exchange nothing to escalate, and to keep children out of the middle, including never using them as messengers. That second goal rests on strong evidence: research reviews show that how parents express and resolve conflict with each other, whether they live together or apart, is linked to children’s emotional and behavioral problems (Harold & Sellers, 2018). The BIFF method itself has not been tested in controlled trials; it draws on de-escalation principles and practice experience, so its evidence is practice-based (Eddy, 2011).
It suits parents in individual or co-parenting counseling, and therapists can draft replies with a client in session before anything is sent. It is a communication aid, not legal advice. Where there is domestic violence, coercive control, threats or a protective order, negotiating in writing can put the client at risk: keep messages as evidence, follow any court order on contact, and involve an advocate or attorney (US National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233).
For therapists: how to run it
For therapists: how to run itGoal
Reply to the facts, not the jabs, with a message that is short, clear, kind and firm.
In session
- Share your screen and paste a real (or anonymized) message the client received. Let them type the reply.
- Ask: “What's the one piece of information they actually need?” Cut the rest.
- Use the highlights as a gentle prompt, not a grade, and read the final reply aloud together.
As homework
- Next time a tense message arrives, draft your reply here first instead of answering straight away.
- Wait until the tone meter says Calm, then copy the reply.
- Tap Copy for my therapist, then paste it into your therapist's secure messaging (client portal) or bring it to your next session. Nothing you type is saved, so copy before closing.
In high-conflict co-parenting, a short, factual, polite and firm written reply lowers the temperature and keeps the focus on the children. The checks here are simple word cues, not judgments: you decide what to send. Never paste children's names or addresses into anything you don't trust; this page sends nothing anywhere.
Worksheets that pair with this tool
Assertive Communication Worksheet
A passive, aggressive and assertive styles comparison, and a five-step assertiveness skills-training exercise.
Personal Boundaries Info Sheet
Three pages covering five boundary types, four practice scenarios and healthy versus absent limits.
Active Listening: Communication Skill | A Therapist’s Guide
Three steps to practice, showing you are listening, encouraging sharing, and striving to understand.Sources & credibility
- Method
- Brief, informative, friendly and firm written replies to hostile messages (high-conflict communication)
- Developed by
- Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute
- First described
- 2011
- Approach
- Family law mediation and conflict resolution
- Evidence
- Practice-based (limited trials)Widely taught to separated parents, mediators and family lawyers. It has not been tested in controlled trials; it rests on de-escalation principles and practice experience. BIFF® is a registered trademark of High Conflict Institute. Independent tool; not affiliated with or endorsed by High Conflict Institute.
References
- Eddy, B. (2011; 2nd ed. 2014). BIFF®: Quick responses to high-conflict people, their personal attacks, hostile email and social media meltdowns. Unhooked Books.
- Harold, G. T., & Sellers, R. (2018). Annual Research Review: Interparental conflict and youth psychopathology: An evidence review and practice focused update. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 59(4), 374–402. Source
How it was made
Built by the Mentalyc team from the original method and the published sources listed here. Nothing you enter is stored.
Questions people ask
Questions people askWhat is a brief, informative, friendly and firm reply?
It is a short, factual reply to a hostile message: brief, informative, friendly and firm. The approach comes from Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute. Keeping replies short and factual helps stop conflict from escalating.
What is the meaning of co-parenting?
Co-parenting means separated or divorced parents sharing the job of raising their children. Calm, child-focused communication is one of the biggest factors in how well it works.
What are the three types of co-parenting?
They are often described as cooperative co-parenting, parallel parenting (minimal contact in high-conflict situations) and conflicted co-parenting. Brief, calm, factual replies help in any of them, especially parallel parenting.
How do therapists help with high-conflict co-parenting?
Common steps are moving contact to brief, written, child-focused messages, coaching the parent to pause before replying and considering parallel parenting when contact keeps escalating. Drafting replies together in session gives practice with real messages.
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