Speaker Listener Technique: Pass the Floor, Say It Back, Feel Heard

A floor token on screen: only the holder speaks. The listener says back what they heard, and the floor only passes once the speaker says "Yes, that's it".

Adults Couples Relationships & connection Couples therapy Games

10–20 minutesIn person and on video

Free interactive tool

Link copied – paste it to your client

In crisis? Call or text 988 (US and Canada). In an emergency, call 911 or your local emergency number. Elsewhere, find a helpline in your country. Violence, threats or fear of a partner: US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788); elsewhere, your local domestic abuse service.

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No sign-upNothing you type is storedIn a Play together room, moves pass through our server only while the room is open.

Use with care

It can feel artificial, and the structure alone isn't what drives change.

With couples who escalate quickly, or where there is violence or control, use it only with a therapist present, and stop when someone is flooded.

How to play

Whoever holds the floor speaks in short pieces about their own feelings.
The listener says back what they heard: "What I hear you saying is…"
The speaker decides: "Yes, that's it", or clarifies and tries again.
Then the speaker keeps the floor or hands it over.
Finish to see who spoke, for how long, and which turns were confirmed. A turn needs a few seconds of speaking to count.

About the technique

The speaker–listener technique is a structured way for two people to talk about a charged topic. Developed by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley as part of PREP (the Prevention and Relationship Education Program), it uses a token called the floor: only the person holding it speaks, in short pieces and about their own experience, and the listener paraphrases what they heard before replying. The floor changes hands only when the speaker agrees they were understood (Markman et al., 2024).

The structure works by slowing the exchange. It interrupts the escalation, interrupting and mind reading that drive destructive conflict, and makes each person’s view audible before anyone tries to solve the problem. PREP has been tested in several trials with mixed but mostly positive results; in an early study, couples trained in communication and conflict management had better outcomes at four- and five-year follow-up than controls (Markman et al., 1993). It is less clear that paraphrasing is the active ingredient. In a study of newlywed interactions, active listening was rarely seen during conflict, even among couples who stayed happy (Gottman et al., 1998), which suggests the technique is a scaffold for safer conversations rather than how satisfied couples naturally talk.

It suits couples and family pairs whenever conversations keep escalating. Expect it to feel artificial at first; that is how it slows things down. Where people escalate quickly, use it with a therapist present and pause when someone is flooded. Screen each partner alone for violence and coercive control first; structure does not make conflict safe with a feared partner. This tool is independent and is not affiliated with or endorsed by PREP, Inc.

For therapists: how to run it

Goal

Each person feels heard all the way through before replying, and the conversation slows down instead of escalating.

In session

In the room: put one screen between the partners (or family members). They tap their own buttons as the floor moves.
On video: press Play together and send the link. Each person joins on their own phone; you can act for anyone without a device.
Agree on a small topic first. Coach the speaker to keep it short and the listener to say it back without defending.
Ask afterwards: "What was it like to be heard all the way through?"

As homework

Don't use it as homework if either partner has been violent, threatening or controlling, or if one of you is afraid of the other – talk to a therapist alone first.
Pick a small, low-stakes topic and 10 calm minutes. Open the link on one phone between you.
Take turns with the floor: speak, say it back, confirm, pass. Stop if it heats up and try again later.
Tap Finish, then Copy for my therapist and paste it into your therapist's secure messaging (client portal), or bring it to your next session. Nothing you type is saved, so copy before closing.

Good to know

Don't use it as homework if either partner has been violent, threatening or controlling, or if one of you is afraid of the other – talk to a therapist alone first. The speaker–listener technique comes from PREP (Markman and Stanley, University of Denver). The speaker holds "the floor" and talks in short "I" statements; the listener says back what they heard without rebutting; the speaker confirms before the floor passes. It slows conversations down so each person feels heard. Start with low-stakes topics. It can feel artificial at first, and in one study of newlyweds, paraphrasing during conflict was rare even among couples who stayed happy, so warmth and the effort to understand seem to matter more than the exact format. Use it with a therapist first if conversations tend to escalate.

Worksheets that pair with this tool

Sources & credibility

Method: Speaker–listener technique ("the floor")
Developed by: Howard Markman and Scott Stanley
First described: 1980s
Approach: PREP (Prevention and Relationship Education Program)
Evidence: Supported by studiesPREP has several randomized trials with mixed but mostly positive results. In a study of newlyweds, active listening and paraphrasing were rarely used during conflict, even by couples who stayed happy, so the structure alone is probably not what helps. Independent tool; not affiliated with or endorsed by PREP, Inc.

References

Markman H. J., Renick M. J., Floyd F. J., Stanley S. M. & Clements M. (1993). Preventing marital distress through communication and conflict management training: a 4- and 5-year follow-up. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(1), 70–77. Source
Markman H. J., Stanley S. M., Rhoades G. K. & Levine J. R. (2024). Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Building a Lasting Love (4th ed.). Jossey-Bass. (First edition 1994.)
Gottman J. M., Coan J., Carrère S. & Swanson C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5–22. Source

How it was made

Built by the Mentalyc team from the original method and the published sources listed here. Nothing you enter is stored.

Questions people ask

What is the speaker listener technique?

The speaker listener technique is a structured way for couples to talk about hard topics. Only the person holding 'the floor' speaks, in short pieces, and the listener paraphrases what they heard before replying.

Is the speaker listener technique from Gottman?

It is usually credited to the PREP program by Howard Markman and Scott Stanley, though many couples therapists, including those using Gottman methods, teach similar structured listening. The core idea is the same: slow down and make sure each person feels heard.

What are good active listening exercises for couples?

Paraphrasing ('What I heard is…'), asking 'Did I get that right?' and holding back your own point until your partner feels understood are the basics. A visible floor token, like the one in this tool, makes the turns clear.

How do you teach the speaker listener technique to couples?

Give one partner the floor: they speak in short chunks about their own feelings, and the listener paraphrases without rebutting. The speaker confirms or corrects, then the floor passes; the structure slows conflict down so each partner feels heard before problem-solving.

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Michael Thompson, MSc

Michael's background combines doctoral training in clinical psychology with research on motivation, learning, and emotional regulation.

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Table Of Contents

About the technique
For therapists: how to run it
Worksheets that pair with this tool
Sources & credibility
Questions people ask

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