How to Stop People Pleasing: Practice Saying No with Real-Life Scenario Cards

Read a real-life request, choose a reply and see how it would land: passive, aggressive or assertive. Then write your own no, say it out loud on a 10-second timer, and grow a flower of practice.

AdultsGroupsLife situationsCBTGames
5–15 minutesIn person and on video
Free interactive tool
Designed by Michael Thompson, MSc

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Assertiveness is not always safe.

More

With an abusive partner or in some workplaces, plan safety first and get support before saying no directly. What counts as assertive varies across cultures and families; a direct no can carry real costs in some relationships, so shape the words with the client rather than to one standard.

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How to play

  1. Read the situation and the request.
  2. Pick the reply you'd most likely give. See how each one tends to land.
  3. Write your own no. The hints light up once it has a clear no, then show if it's kind and short.
  4. Say it out loud while the 10-second ring fills (your own words, or the example), then rate your confidence if you like.
  5. Each practice adds a petal. Finish to copy your best lines.

About the technique

Assertiveness training is one of the oldest procedures in behavior therapy, with roots in Andrew Salter’s and Joseph Wolpe’s work in the 1940s and 1950s (Speed et al., 2018). Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons brought it to a wide audience in Your Perfect Right, which separates passive, aggressive and assertive responses (Alberti & Emmons, 2017). An assertive response states one’s own need or limit clearly and honestly while respecting the other person.

The active ingredients are modeling, rehearsal out loud and feedback: saying the words, hearing them, and adjusting tone and phrasing until the response feels usable. A review of the literature found that assertiveness training improves assertive behavior and reduces anxiety and depressive symptoms, though many trials are older and small, and the authors described it as a forgotten evidence-based treatment worth bringing back (Speed et al., 2018). Rehearsing a short refusal in a safe setting gives the client a script they can recall when the real request arrives.

It suits clients who struggle to refuse requests, including people-pleasing patterns, social anxiety and low self-worth, in individual sessions or groups. Guilt after saying no is common and worth naming as a cost of change rather than a sign of having done wrong. Assertiveness is not always safe. With an abusive partner, or where a refusal carries real consequences, plan for safety first and choose the form of the no with that in mind.

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For therapists: how to run it

Goal

Hear the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive, and say a clear, kind no out loud.

In session

  1. Share your screen or send the client link. Ask the client to pick the reply they'd really give, not the “right” one.
  2. After the reveal, ask: “What would it cost you to say the assertive one?”
  3. Rehearse out loud: you play the person asking, the client says their own line during the 10-second ring. Repeat until confidence rises.

As homework

  1. Practice two or three situations, out loud, somewhere private.
  2. Pick one real no to say this week and write it in your own words.
  3. Tap Copy for my therapist, then paste it into your therapist's secure messaging (client portal) or bring it to your next session. Nothing you type is saved, so copy before closing.

With a group

  1. Press Play together and send the link. Everyone picks a reply on their own phone; you press Reveal answers to show the group's choices.
  2. Discuss the outcomes, then press Now say it your way. Everyone writes their own line privately.
  3. Start the 10-second round: in pairs or breakout rooms, each person says their no out loud to a partner who plays the asker.
  4. Press Next situation for another round, or Finish so everyone gets their own result.
Good to know

People pleasing often starts as a way to keep the peace. Saying no clearly and kindly is a skill, and skills grow with rehearsal out loud. The replies are written to show the three classic styles from assertiveness training. In Play together, only votes and the round timer are shared; written replies stay on each person's device.

Worksheets that pair with this tool

Assertive Communication Worksheet

Assertive Communication Worksheet

A passive, aggressive and assertive styles comparison, and a five-step assertiveness skills-training exercise.Adults and teensBoundariesCommunicationRelationshipsBehavioralCBTDBTPsychoeducational+52 worksheets 1 page eachDBT “DEAR MAN” Worksheet

DBT “DEAR MAN” Worksheet

The DEAR MAN seven steps with a practice page, and DEAR MAN, GIVE and FAST on one sheet.Adults and teensBoundariesCommunicationRelationshipsDBTPsychoeducational+32 worksheets 4 pages in total“I” Statements Worksheet

“I” Statements Worksheet

Two pages pairing blaming lines with owned ones, plus five everyday scenarios for clients to rewrite.Adults and teensBoundariesCommunicationRelationshipsBehavioralCBTDBTGottman method+5Free PDF 2 pages

Sources & credibility

Method
Assertiveness training (passive, aggressive and assertive responses; behavioral rehearsal)
Developed by
Andrew Salter and Joseph Wolpe (origins); Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons (Your Perfect Right); reviewed by Brittany Speed, Brandon Goldstein and Marvin Goldfried
First described
1949–2018
Approach
Behavior therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy
Evidence
Supported by studiesAssertiveness training has decades of trials showing gains in assertive behavior and reductions in anxiety and depression, though many studies are older and small. Rehearsal out loud with feedback is the active ingredient.

References

  1. Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L. & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: a forgotten evidence-based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216. Source
  2. Alberti, R. & Emmons, M. (1970; 10th ed. 2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships. Impact Publishers.

How it was made

Built by the Mentalyc team from the original method and the published sources listed here. Nothing you enter is stored.

Questions people ask

What is the root cause of people pleasing?

People pleasing often grows from learning early that being agreeable kept you safe, loved or out of trouble. Fear of conflict, rejection or guilt keeps it going.

How do you say no without feeling guilty?

Keep it short and kind ('Thanks for asking, I can't this time'), skip long excuses and expect some guilt at first. Practicing out loud, as in this tool, makes it easier in real life.

Is people pleasing an ADHD thing?

People pleasing is not a symptom of ADHD or a diagnosis of its own. Whatever the cause, saying no is a skill that gets easier with practice, and a therapist can help you work out where the pattern comes from.

How is assertiveness training done in therapy?

The therapist teaches the difference between passive, aggressive and assertive replies, models an assertive one, then has the client rehearse it in role play with feedback. Practice starts with low-stakes situations and builds toward harder ones.

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Your game designer
Michael Thompson

Michael Thompson, MSc

Michael's background combines doctoral training in clinical psychology with research on motivation, learning, and emotional regulation.

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Table Of Contents
  1. About the technique
  2. For therapists: how to run it
  3. Worksheets that pair with this tool
  4. Sources & credibility
  5. Questions people ask
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