How to Get Over a Breakup: Four Exercises for the First Weeks

Four calm exercises for the hardest weeks: ride out the urge to text your ex, write a letter you never send, park looping thoughts until worry time, and sort why it ended from what you want next.

AdultsTeensGrief & lossCBT
3–15 minutes per exerciseIn person and on video
Free interactive tool
Designed by Michael Thompson, MSc

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Writing about loss can bring a short rise in sadness; pause if it floods.

More

Worry time is not for intrusive OCD-type thoughts without a clinician's framing. If the relationship was abusive, put safety first (US National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233, or loveisrespect.org for teens and young adults; elsewhere, your local domestic abuse service). If grief brings thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 in the US or Canada (teens included), or your local crisis line or emergency number elsewhere.

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How to play

  1. Pick an exercise at the top.
  2. Urge to text: type the message, rate the urge, then drag the wave to match it until the timer ends (or tap Stop early). Nothing is sent.
  3. Unsent letter: answer one prompt per page, then fold it away.
  4. Rumination parking: park each looping thought in a bay and pick a worry time. Tap its car if it comes back.
  5. Why it ended: tap True for me or Not this on each card (or swipe), then pick your top 3 for next time.

About the technique

This tool brings four techniques from different traditions to the first weeks after a breakup. Urge surfing comes from G. Alan Marlatt’s relapse prevention work and is taught in mindfulness-based relapse prevention: the client observes a craving as a wave of sensations and thoughts that rises, peaks and falls without being acted on (Bowen et al., 2021). Here the craving is the urge to text or check on an ex. That is an analogy. The trial evidence for MBRP comes from substance use, where it lowered drug use and heavy drinking at 12 months compared with standard relapse prevention (Bowen et al., 2014).

The unsent letter draws on expressive writing. Across experimental disclosure studies the average benefit is small but reliable (Frattaroli, 2006), and in a trial of students writing about a recent breakup, those who wrote expressively avoided short-term rises in tension, fatigue and physical symptoms seen in a control group (Lepore & Greenberg, 2002). Worry postponement, setting a short daily worry period and deferring worry until then, reduced worry in early stimulus control trials (Borkovec et al., 1983). Sorting why it ended from what comes next links to research showing that rebuilding a clear sense of self supports emotional recovery after a breakup (Larson & Sbarra, 2015).

These exercises suit adults and teens who are distressed but stable, in session or as homework. Writing about the loss can briefly raise sadness, so pace it. If the relationship was abusive, safety planning comes first, and grief with suicidal thoughts needs direct assessment, not self-help.

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For therapists: how to run it

Goal

Get through the urge without sending, put feelings into words, contain looping thoughts, and name what you want next.

In session

  1. In person, turn the screen or hand over a tablet. On video, send the client link so typed words stay on the client's own device, or share your screen and let them dictate.
  2. Urge to text works best live when the urge is present: ask “Where do you feel it?” as the wave runs, and notice together that it peaks and falls.
  3. For the letter, keep the pace gentle and stop if grief floods; finish with the heaviness rating.
  4. Close by asking which exercise to use as homework this week.

As homework

  1. When the urge to text hits, open Urge to text before you open your messages. Ride one wave, then decide: delete or keep in drafts.
  2. When thoughts loop at night, park them and set tomorrow's worry time.
  3. Tap Copy for my therapist, then paste it into your therapist's secure messaging (client portal) or bring it to your next session. Nothing you type is saved, so copy before closing.
Good to know

Breakups hurt like other losses: sleep, appetite and focus often suffer for a while, and checking or texting the ex keeps the wound open. These exercises borrow from urge surfing (mindfulness-based relapse prevention), expressive writing, worry postponement and values work. Nothing is ever sent: the message stays in a pretend outbox, the letter folds away. If grief turns into hopelessness, or there was abuse, please reach out for support.

Worksheets that pair with this tool

Letter of Self-Compassion Worksheet

Letter of Self-Compassion Worksheet

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The Tasks of Mourning Worksheet

The four tasks of mourning, the three phases of grief, and a five-stage inventory clients order themselves.Adults and teensGriefIPTPsychoeducational+13 worksheets 7 pages in totalACT Values Worksheet

ACT Values Worksheet

Six life domains from relationships to community, with questions that end by testing your daily actions.Adults and teensValuesACTMotivational interviewingPsychoeducational+2Free PDF 3 pages

Sources & credibility

Method
Urge surfing, expressive writing, worry postponement and values work, applied to breakup recovery
Developed by
G. Alan Marlatt (urge surfing); Sarah Bowen and colleagues (mindfulness-based relapse prevention); James Pennebaker (expressive writing); Thomas Borkovec (stimulus control of worry)
First described
1983–2014
Approach
Cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness-based relapse prevention
Evidence
Practice-based (limited trials)Urge surfing is part of mindfulness-based relapse prevention, which trials support for cravings; it is used here for the urge to contact an ex by analogy. Expressive writing has a small but reliable effect overall, and a study of writing after a breakup found mixed results. Scheduling worry time reduced worry in early trials.

References

  1. Bowen, S. et al. (2014). Relative efficacy of mindfulness-based relapse prevention, standard relapse prevention, and treatment as usual for substance use disorders. JAMA Psychiatry, 71(5), 547–556. Source
  2. Bowen, S., Chawla, N., Grow, J. & Marlatt, G. A. (2021). Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention for Addictive Behaviors: A Clinician's Guide (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  3. Lepore, S. J. & Greenberg, M. A. (2002). Mending broken hearts: effects of expressive writing on mood, cognitive processing, social adjustment and health following a relationship breakup. Psychology & Health, 17(5), 547–560. Source
  4. Frattaroli, J. (2006). Experimental disclosure and its moderators: a meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 132(6), 823–865. Source
  5. Borkovec, T. D., Wilkinson, L., Folensbee, R. & Lerman, C. (1983). Stimulus control applications to the treatment of worry. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 21(3), 247–251. Source
  6. Larson, G. M. & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Participating in research on romantic breakups promotes emotional recovery via changes in self-concept clarity. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 6(4), 399–406. Source

How it was made

Built by the Mentalyc team from the original method and the published sources listed here. Nothing you enter is stored.

Questions people ask

How do I get over a breakup I still love?

Let yourself grieve, limit contact while feelings are raw and lean on friends and routines. Writing an unsent letter and riding out urges to text, both included here, can help you feel without acting on every impulse.

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

It varies a lot, from weeks to many months, depending on the relationship and your support. If low mood lasts or you struggle to function, talk to a therapist.

What is the no contact rule?

The no contact rule means taking a break from contacting an ex, often for 30 days or more, to give feelings room to settle. It is a personal choice and may not apply when you share children or work together.

What is the unsent letter technique in therapy?

The client writes to the person they lost or are angry with, saying everything they need to say, knowing the letter will not be sent. It is a form of expressive writing that helps process grief and anger, and reading it aloud in session can deepen the work.

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Your game designer
Michael Thompson

Michael Thompson, MSc

Michael's background combines doctoral training in clinical psychology with research on motivation, learning, and emotional regulation.

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Table Of Contents
  1. About the technique
  2. For therapists: how to run it
  3. Worksheets that pair with this tool
  4. Sources & credibility
  5. Questions people ask
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